Searching for Jessica...

Tonight I am searching for her in a deep maroon glass of Australian Shiraz. In my Yoga practice. In my Itunes addiction. My obsession with photographs. With dissonant harmonies. Lines in paintings. Small triumphs in physical therapy. The warmth and kindness of those around me. My parents. My physical therapist. Of my boss. The laughter they all bring me. In the 20 days until my fiancee's arrival. In those 20 days who knows what or who I will be one day to the next...Is it ok that I don't know? I think so. It isn't the scary kind of life crisis of not knowing. It's a simple realization that I am constantly Jess with just as constant shifts. Shifts in mood, thought patterns, and of course there is that of beer to wine, or vice versa. Tonight it's a wine night.

My mom and I purchased my wedding dress today. My wedding dress. I own a wedding dress and it's not from my My-Size Barbie. [You know you had one and you loved it.] It was the second one I tried on and it all happened in the span of 45 minutes! I would post pictures, but fiancee knows about this blog and I will stick to at least one tradition. No peeking! It is so surreal to think that in less than a year's time I will be a married woman. Surreal, but beautiful. I am so relieved to know that I never have to enter the world of dating or morning after's ever again. I am content to know that every morning I will awaken to the most handsome man laying beside me...and will return to that same bed with that same man that same night. He is truly my soul mate in every aspect of the overly used cliche phrase. I know that because as much as it drives him crazy, he won't mind if I leave my wet towels on the floor. If I take too long in the shower. Am ridiculously absent-minded. Snore. Pass gas. Get sick and sniffly and perhaps rub some of my lovely mucus on his face when he kisses me because I can't help it. I can't help kissing him every time I see him because he is irresistable. From his ability to never say goodbye and ramble for 10 minutes before he does. To his tickle laugh. His mischievous twinkle he gets in his eye. His childlike excitement over things. His overwhelming affection for me.

He is my other half. So therefore, on nights when I look for me, I find him. It's comforting and beautiful.

I am beginning to mentally prep myself for the year ahead. I plan on fulfilling one of my hippie dreams by working in an organic food shop this fall. I will revel in it's hand grown glory. I will also, hopefully, be teaching yoga at the gym. Someday I plan to open my own shop...yoga, massage therapy, organic food/clothes/book store...there are none like it where I am going in Ireland, so I hope to save up for a while and get it off it's feet. How else will my inner dreadie sporting, pot smoking*, peace and love dude get satisfied?

*Nope. I have never smoked pot. I just imagine I am when listening to Mamas and the Papas 'California Dreamin' because that song puts me on such a high I always figure it's pretty damn close.*

I digress. I will be taking Algebra this fall. Aka those hellish things known as numbers and re-learning that you actually can do things with them other than making cool shapes with your fridge magnets. Obviously math is my favorite subject and I am dying with excitement at renewing our long-lost bond. My dad attempted to start this bond with me at the age of 8 with the statement 'Fractions are your friends.' I can tell you right now that they are, in fact, not and can reduce one to tears and anger in mere seconds. They are very temperamental and it is easy to tell who they like and who they don't. I apparently never got on their good side. If you did, well fantastic and I congratulate you. If not, I will be waiting at the end of this blog with hot cocoa or tea...even alcohol if you so wish. I feel I will be bff's with the latter by the time my final exam rolls around.

I'm going to end this as my wine glass does. Slowly and purposefully.

So...

Goodnight. ;)